When Lambo?

An Epipremnum aureum and cryptocurrency horror story

Photo by Nicolas Orellana on Unsplash

Chad sucked a cotton candy high from his chrome vape pod and held the liquid smoke in his lungs for a count of five, four, thee, two, one. Smoke curled into the night and dissipated, like ideas, he thought. Disseminating, spreading, infiltrating, enough vape in one place could fog up a room and ideas were- he yawned and stretched his legs.

“Fuck it,” he muttered. Too tired to finish the thought, he checked his watch, three AM, definitely time to get home. He stood from where he sat on the hotel’s steps and pocketed the vape pod. A few small groups still stood huddled on the sidewalk below, deep conversations tethering them together at this late hour, long after the much lauded Crypto Nebula Conference had officially concluded. Chad’s body was running on empty, but his mind was still abuzz. The ideas discussed during the three day conference had been about so much more than just cryptocurrency. It was a revolution that had taken from, pulled from the ether and swirled together like so much cosmic dust to create a brand new way of living. Between sake shots and tamarind mushroom burgers Chad was initiated into the dream of a new form of government unlike anything that had been tried before. Company states run entirely on crypto and AI. A future where people could shop for a network state like they shop for car insurance and become a citizen of a place that aligned with their personal ideals. Was it genius? Chad was still on the fence, but the idea, the problem the network state sought to solve, had triggered an electrical storm in his mind. How could crypto fix problematic governments and create utopia? Chad felt the answer lay inside him, gestating. One day he’d shock the world with it.

On the sidewalk below a man with a greying beard wearing all white linen with a matching mid-thigh length single breasted jacket split from one of the groups and made his way up the steps. He couldn’t help but admire the man’s style, simple, elegant, it screamed upper echelon. Or rather, it asserted upper echelon, there was nothing loud about it, but it certainly commanded respect. As he watched, the man missed a step and slipped, lurching forward and barely catching himself on the steps above. Chad rushed to his side, grabbing him by the arm and helping him up.

“Been a long night, huh?” Chad gave the man some space to dust himself off.

“Might have had one too many a scintillating conversation.” The older man’s voice was deep and calm, he wasn’t rattled, nor did he seem embarrassed. When he finally looked up from adjusting his clothes, it was with a warm smile. “Thank you for your assistance, young man. I do appreciate it.”

“No problem at all, I live by the golden rule.”

“Ah, an excellent policy, useful, but not entirely selfless. Selflessness is about as good for society as syphilis.”

“Completely agree, self interest is really what drives charitable acts. I’m Chad.” He stuck out his hand.

“Just call me Guru.”

“The whale Guru? As in The Guru?”

“The one and only.”

“Oh wow, what a fucking honor, man.”

“I take it you’re a trader? Nice cut on that suit by the way, you have a good tailor.”

“Ha, thanks. Yeah, total degen with cryptosis, right hand to Satoshi,” Chad raised his right hand to underline the truth of his statement.

“Fearless, good, I like that. There’s no room for FUD at the top. You gotta know, deep within you, that a trade is right. It’s a gut instinct, grabs you by the lower intestines and twists and then, you know. You KNOW! That you gotta make that deal.”

Chad rocked back on his heels. “Jesus I know right? It’s such a rush. I can’t think of anything else I love more.”

“Got a girlfriend?” Guru raised an eyebrow.

“Well yeah, but, even she doesn’t hit like a good trade.”

“Atta boy.” Guru clapped Chad on the back, “Come up to my room for a second, I have a gift for you. A thank you, for your assistance.”

“Are you serious? Holy shit. Yeah!” Chad grabbed his leather backpack from where he’d left it on the stairs and joined Guru as he ascended to the hotel’s entrance. Inside, the lobby was peppered with men on their phones or laptops.

“Crypto never sleeps!” Guru’s voice reverberated off the high ceilings and marble floors, raucous cheers went up from the faithful, bent over their digital altars. The two men stepped into the elevator and Chad took the opportunity to ask a question he’d been mulling over since one of the network states panels he’d been to.

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Shoot.”

“Who is cleaning the toilets in a network state? You know? Who does the menial labor, the construction jobs, the service jobs? I guess that’s the part I don’t understand. If it’s a community of like-minded people, are there billionaire paleo-vegans who also enjoy cleaning public restrooms or filling potholes in streets?”

Guru laughed, “Fair question, one I’ve pondered myself. I don’t think there’s an answer yet, but I like to think we’ll innovate past that problem. Self-cleaning homes and streets, materials that don’t break down or that maybe even regenerate. Who knows? Maybe the billionaire state can just transport in workers from some other state for a good wage.”

Chad leaned against the mirrored wall of the elevator, watching his own reflection recede into infinity. “Huh, yeah. Maybe. It seems like a weak point in the concept, you have a state, but no one to run and maintain it. AI is going in the wrong direction, all it does is regurgitate stuff it steals from the internet, it can’t clean a bathroom, no one’s even trying to make AI clean bathrooms.” Chad paused, “At least that’s my girlfriend’s gripe with it.”

Guru shook his head, “Doesn’t like cleaning the bathrooms, I take it?” He smirked, “Once you’ve got what I’m about to give you, you can hire her a maid and you’ll never have to hear her complain about it again. Guaranteed.”

“You are my fucking god right now,” Chad put his hand up for a high five and Guru reciprocated, grasping the younger man’s hand as they met.

“Men like us need to stick together. While I don’t know exactly how they’ll work, I firmly believe the world is coming to a fork in the proverbial road. Soon, countries will break down and we’ll have to reorganize into corporatized states founded on a common interest. There is simply no way for people of different interests to live together peacefully. I really do firmly believe that.”

Chad was about to disagree, after all his girlfriend was vegan and he wasn’t, but the elevator door dinged and slid open. People could learn to find a common ground, but they needed to be comfortable to do it. You can’t love your neighbor and fight them for scraps at the same time. He felt that crypto was the answer. Decentralized wealth was the way to make everyone wealthy. He wasn’t sure exactly how, maybe memecoin or NFT platforms could replace crowdfunding sites. Wealth could be ratings based… Whatever the solution, he had conviction and he was still young enough to make a difference. Plus he was in at the ground level of innovation, which meant he’d get so freaking rich in the process of revolution.

He followed Guru to his room. They were on the top floor of the hotel, there were fewer rooms up here and Chad was anxious to see the kind of killer suite a man like Guru could pay for. Music thumped from behind one of the doors they passed, no doubt where one of the conference organizers, a man who went by Dio Crypto, was staying. He was a an uber rich former boy band member who had gotten in on cryptocurrency back when Bitcoin was the only coin in the game. As they passed the door opened and a woman in panties and nothing else spilled out into the hall. She smiled at Guru and touched his shoulder.

“Do you guys know where the bathroom is?”

“Most likely it’s back inside.” He caressed her smooth cheek and went to catch the door for her, but it had already shut and locked. He knocked loudly, snaking his hand around her waist. “It’s chilly out here in the hall, isn’t it?”

“I don’t know, but I really have to pee.” She slid a hand inside his jacket and nuzzled his neck. Chad watched, hoping the room would regurgitate a redhead for him.

“I have a bathroom in my suite, if you’d like to use it.”

She kissed his cheek, “I’d love to.”

Chad walked behind them down the hall, staring openly at the woman’s firm, barely covered bottom. Guru unlocked his room with his key card and showed her the way to the bathroom. Chad blinked in the room’s dim light as a voice registered in his consciousness.

“Always bringing home strays.”

“I’m a generous man, Lorna, I can’t pass up the opportunity to help a fellow human being.”

A creature clad in a slinky black dress emerged from the depths of a black velvet sofa and made her way toward them. Chad’s gut twisted, she was gorgeous, lithe, and she looked so so soft. A hot tub bubbled LED purple near the floor to ceiling windows and everything glittered in the soft lighting.

“Please tell me you brought him for me,” Lorna purred.

“He has a girlfriend so I’m not sure-“

“We have an open relationship.” Chad blurted out. “She’ll never know anyway. She’s out of town this weekend.”

Guru chuckled, “What we don’t know…”

Chad reached for Lorna and her soft, spidery limbs. Guru, stepped in and took Lorna by the shoulders. “First, Chad and I have some business to attend to. Go look after that strumpet in the bathroom and ensure she is bathed before we play.”

Lorna smiled up at him, “Of course, Daddy.”

Blowing a kiss to the now half-hard Chad she turned and made her way to the bathroom. Guru slapped Chad hard on the back.

“Come with me, we’ll get to that shortly. I’m looking forward to it myself, but first. I have something for you.”

“She’s not it?”

“No, son, she’s just the icing on the tarte infiniment vanille. Come with me.”

Chad followed him into a dark room, blinking as the man flipped on the light switch.

“What the?” It took Chad a minute to realize he was looking at hanging plants. Mostly because… well who brings hanging plants to a hotel with them? And did the hotel staff drill all those hooks into the ceiling? And also, was he about to get a plant?

Guru laughed, “I see every thought crossing your mind right now. And yes, this is the gift I’m about to give you, Epipremnum aureum, modified by a magic worker I know. They like to be called magic workers instead of witches now, I guess, less of a stigma. But anyway, these babies are crypto makers.”

“I don’t understand. Magic?” Chad knew there were some weird guys at the top of the crypto game, but Guru had always come off as one of the more normal ones.

“Yeah, it’s a little obtuse, I guess, but this is a money plant. A real money plant.”

“So what, you just, put it on your desk and it grows money?”

“Not exactly, this plant, having been modified by my personal magic worker, feeds on your blood and puts crypto in your bank.”

Chad was glad that Lorna was waiting for him, at least the night wouldn’t be a total bust. “So I give the plant some blood… like animal blood?”

“Your blood. Just a few drops, doesn’t have to be a lot. When you wake up in the morning, your crypto balance will be doubled. Guaranteed.”

“Ok. Sorry if I seem skeptical, this is just a new one for me.”

Guru clapped him on the back again, Chad pitched forward a little with the force.

“Not to worry, not to worry. Just feed it when you get home and when you awake the truth will be waiting in your crypto account.” Guru took down one of the plants and handed it to Chad. It was a good looking plant, dark green cascades of leaves with golden-yellow splotches. He took it. So the guy was bananas, at least he kept gorgeous company.

“It’s a beautiful fucking plant, no matter what. It’s going to look great in my office. I’ll give it a little nip when I get home for sure.”

“Once a day. That’s it. Any more blood than that and things can get a little weird.”

“Yeah, sure. Don’t like the sight of blood that much anyway.”

Guru raised a hand to clap him on the back, again, but paused as Lorna poked her head in the doorway.

“You fellas coming or what?” She was naked and dangling a bag of coke from her fingers.

“We’re gonna be,” Guru smirked as he led the way out of the room. Chad set the plant down and followed, itching for the high and aching for pussy.

** Inside his condo Chad set the plant on his desk, its trailing vines landed in a messy heap on the white carpet. He felt empty, hollowed out by the voracious Lorna. His lip was bleeding thanks to Guru, who’d punched him in a fit of cocaine-low pique.

He rubbed his eyes looked down at the plant. Light filtered in through the windows and lit the gold patches, they glowed softly, pulsing as Chad stared.

“Give it blood,” he muttered to himself. He could feel the blood from his split lip trickle fresh down his chin as he spoke, he leaned over the plant and let it dribble into the soil. Then he shuffled off and collapsed in bed.

** 

He awoke to his phone dancing across the night stand and picked it up.

“Hmm?”

“Where are you? I’ve been calling.”

“Oh, hey babe. Just sleeping. Conference was insane. So many good panels. I’m afraid I was out late talking about the revolution crypto is going to bring to the world. Did you know-“

“Ok, ok, ok. You can tell me later. My connecting flight was late so I won’t see you until seven instead of five. I just didn’t want you to worry. And I miss you.”

“I miss you too, babe. Be safe. I love you.”

“I love you too, Chad.”

He hung up and looked at the time.

“Jesus.” It was four thirty. He showered then sat in front of the TV watching the news and holding ice to his lip. He really should have gotten stitches, but it was probably too late now. Clara was going to kill him for… whatever lie he made up. His phone buzzed, an alert on his crypto bank, his balance had doubled.

“What the actual fuck?”

He ran to his office and opened the account, a memecoin he’d bought on a whim had exploded in value. The green and gold plant sitting on the desk caught his eye. He looked at it, touched it.

“That’s impossible.” He looked back at his computer. But there it was. He had twice the crypto today that he had yesterday. He’d bled into the plant and now he had twice the money. If he bled into the plant even more… then Lambo?

Guru’s warning popped into his head. Only once a day or weird shit happened. Should have asked for clarification, he had a pretty high weird shit tolerance. There was a letter opener in his pen holder. Analog tools he rarely used, but kept because they made him feel more substantial. They made the whole digital game feel more tangible. He jabbed his finger with the blade and let the blood drip into the plant. The world swam a little. He really didn’t like blood. And he hadn’t eaten in twenty-four hours. He wrapped his bleeding finger in a tissue and went to the kitchen. The world pulsed around him, he could swear the edges of things were moving. Like fractals were crawling just barely out of his line of vision.

“Food. Need food.” He dug some artisanal bread and roast beef from the fridge. Dijon mustard and, because Clara was vegan, they had vegan mayo. He set the food on the counter and the world wobbled again.

“Jesus, maybe I did too much coke.” He reached for a slice of roast beef, intent on getting into his stomach asap. But as soon as he touched it, the slice disintegrated into tiny ones and zeros. Little neon numbers zipped out of the kitchen and toward his office. Chad chased them, his mind buzzing. He got to his office just in time to see the bits zoom into his computer.

“Fuck, I fried my fucking brain.” His hand shot out and grabbed the pen holder, it collapsed, pens scattered across the desk, little digital soldiers marched into his computer. As he watched, his crypto account balance ticked up.

“This is not possible.” The plant caught his eye. It had a way of doing that. Being just out of awareness and then sneaking back in. Only once a day. He heard the front door open.

“Chad? Honey, I’m home.”

Clara. Clara.

Chad walked out to meet her.

“Hey, babe.”

Clara smiled and dropped all her bags in the hallway.

“I missed you.” She reached for him. Chad hesitated.

“Honey?” Clara’s perfect natural eyebrows furrowed. Chad looked down at this hands. He lurched forward and grabbed her, holding her tight. Her mouth opened in a scream, but before any sound came out she was gone, bits like tiny butterflies flitted to his office.

A laugh bubbled up in Chad’s throat. He ran back to the kitchen. With his elbow, covered by a long sleeved shirt, he pushed up the lever and watched the water flow from the sink. He’d die if he couldn’t drink. He put his mouth under the faucet.

Pain was relative, he supposed, and he felt this more in his heart than anywhere else as his insides digitized and ripped him apart on their flight to his crypto account.

“Heh, never lambo.”

His throat ripped apart and his tongue was gone.

Numbers ticked up in a bright box in a condo where two people vanished without a trace.