When Lambo?
An Epipremnum aureum and cryptocurrency horror story
Chad sucked a cotton candy high from his chrome vape pod and held the liquid smoke in his lungs for a count of five, four, thee, two, one. Smoke curled into the night and dissipated, like ideas, he thought. Disseminating, spreading, infiltrating, enough vape in one place could fog up a room and ideas were- he yawned and stretched his legs.
“Fuck it,” he muttered. Too tired to finish the thought, he checked his watch, three AM, definitely time to get home. He stood from where he sat on the hotel’s steps and pocketed the vape pod. A few small groups still stood huddled on the sidewalk below, deep conversations tethering them together at this late hour, long after the much lauded Crypto Nebula Conference had officially concluded. Chad’s body was running on empty, but his mind was still abuzz. The ideas discussed during the three day conference had been about so much more than just cryptocurrency. It was a revolution that had taken from, pulled from the ether and swirled together like so much cosmic dust to create a brand new way of living. Between sake shots and tamarind mushroom burgers Chad was initiated into the dream of a new form of government unlike anything that had been tried before. Company states run entirely on crypto and AI. A future where people could shop for a network state like they shop for car insurance and become a citizen of a place that aligned with their personal ideals. Was it genius? Chad was still on the fence, but the idea, the problem the network state sought to solve, had triggered an electrical storm in his mind. How could crypto fix problematic governments and create utopia? Chad felt the answer lay inside him, gestating. One day he’d shock the world with it.
On the sidewalk below a man with a greying beard wearing all white linen with a matching mid-thigh length single breasted jacket split from one of the groups and made his way up the steps. He couldn’t help but admire the man’s style, simple, elegant, it screamed upper echelon. Or rather, it asserted upper echelon, there was nothing loud about it, but it certainly commanded respect. As he watched, the man missed a step and slipped, lurching forward and barely catching himself on the steps above. Chad rushed to his side, grabbing him by the arm and helping him up.
“Been a long night, huh?” Chad gave the man some space to dust himself off.
“Might have had one too many a scintillating conversation.” The older man’s voice was deep and calm, he wasn’t rattled, nor did he seem embarrassed. When he finally looked up from adjusting his clothes, it was with a warm smile. “Thank you for your assistance, young man. I do appreciate it.”
“No problem at all, I live by the golden rule.”
“Ah, an excellent policy, useful, but not entirely selfless. Selflessness is about as good for society as syphilis.”
“Completely agree, self interest is really what drives charitable acts. I’m Chad.” He stuck out his hand.
“Just call me Guru.”
“The whale Guru? As in The Guru?”
“The one and only.”
“Oh wow, what a fucking honor, man.”
“I take it you’re a trader? Nice cut on that suit by the way, you have a good tailor.”
“Ha, thanks. Yeah, total degen with cryptosis, right hand to Satoshi,” Chad raised his right hand to underline the truth of his statement.
“Fearless, good, I like that. There’s no room for FUD at the top. You gotta know, deep within you, that a trade is right. It’s a gut instinct, grabs you by the lower intestines and twists and then, you know. You KNOW! That you gotta make that deal.”
Chad rocked back on his heels. “Jesus I know right? It’s such a rush. I can’t think of anything else I love more.”
“Got a girlfriend?” Guru raised an eyebrow.
“Well yeah, but, even she doesn’t hit like a good trade.”
“Atta boy.” Guru clapped Chad on the back, “Come up to my room for a second, I have a gift for you. A thank you, for your assistance.”
“Are you serious? Holy shit. Yeah!” Chad grabbed his leather backpack from where he’d left it on the stairs and joined Guru as he ascended to the hotel’s entrance. Inside, the lobby was peppered with men on their phones or laptops.