Umbilical
Chlorophytum comosum
Dear sweet Hellspawn this spring is the most wretched and anguished bed of misery I have ever lain in. The monsters are mating. The monsters I keep trapped on my mountain so they don’t wreak their destruction on the populace (unless Satan wills it) are engaging in intercourse and there are now strange… children? on my mountain. Determining how this has never happened before and what cursed misalignment of the stars is allowing it to happen now has me buried in dusty old books and star charts written by long dead heretics.
Then again, it could be an invasive plant… something new in the area. The dogs and I will be very busy this spring investigating. And of course reports will have to be made on the nature of the hybrid monster spawn. It’s doubtful Lucifer will want them culled, his monsters are useful to him.
Thus I was engaged in planning a reccy on the spring forest’s flora and fauna when loud sobbing reached my ears. The dogs whined. I probably did, too. Melodrama has a deleterious effect on my cool. We got up, opening the door and peering down the steps. A woman in one of those t-shirts that had a grainy family photo screen printed on the front was walking slowly, step by weary step up the hill with a wad of tissue clutched in her hand. Cradled in her other arm she held a three ring binder. Expensive bag over her shoulder. Trendy boots. I couldn’t see that far, but I knew there was a golden chain around her neck with each of her children’s first initials done in diamond pendants.
She scream sobbed again and the dogs unleashed a klaxon of howls in response. She looked up. I waved.
“Mind the noise, will you? We have sensitive ears.”
Her shoulders slumped. But she did make it the rest of the way without further theatrics. At the door I motioned her in and sat her down.
“Please help me,” she croaked.
“A death in the family?” I teased.
“It may as well be.”
“I’ll need more than that… Susan?”
Her eyes widened. I snort-laughed, her name was etched into her watch band.
“It’s my twins. They’re starting college in the fall. And my youngest will go next year.”
“And? You’re against higher education? Or wait, is it elites? Not elites as in filthy rich, just.. educated people? Had a few of those lately- people against education, not elites, whatever that means. Having lived through very uneducated times- as in leechcraft, wandering uteruses, and drinking piss to cure literally anything that ails you- I can say with certainty that an educated populace benefits everyone.”
One of the cats chuckled from under my reading chair.
“Well, no. None… of that. I just don’t want them to leave. I need them around. What am I going to do without them? I’ll be lost.”
“Have you considered a hobby?” I turned to the dogs, “I feel like I suggest that a lot.” They barked in agreement.
“They are my hobbies.” She plopped a three inch three ring binder down on the table. The cover was plastered with family photos and a banner with the current year. I opened it hesitantly, surely there was some kind of horrid saccharine magic inside. It was very… cute. Many, many pictures of three nearly grown children doing literally everything from brushing their teeth to doing homework. Everything presented as a big, incredible event. She must follow them around all day with her camera. I took a deep breath. I closed the book.