The Ultimate Rhino

Buyer beware

Photo by Dušan veverkolog on Unsplash

LAST WILD RHINO KILLED, ANIMAL DECLARED EXTINCT IN THE WILD

“Did you see this?” Dio pointed with the long neck of his beer bottle to the scroll on the bottom of the TV.

“Jesus Christ, can’t they start to farm the ones in zoos or something?”

“Impractical. Do you know how much those fuckers eat?”

Colter snorted, running a hand through unwashed hair. “What are they like, the size of minivans?”

“Something like that. And all for a bit of keratin that can take a year or two to grow back. Even if you charged a mint for it, it’s-“ Dio nodded to the waitress to catch her eye, a subtle gesture in the dark bar, but she was one of the good ones, used to the dark, she never missed a cue. She definitely never missed Dio’s cue. Colter watched her hips as she walked up to them, their practiced swing awakening an ache that he knew would come to nothing.

“Ready for another?” She smiled, her sweet, cherry blossom perfume glossing over the dank, sweat-stained air they’d been breathing for the last hour. They both nodded, Colter tried to act cool, Dio actually was cool.

“You’re my rock, Marie,” Dio grinned at the waitress. She smirked and flicked her hair as she turned from the table.

“Did you say keratin? That’s what that shit I buy is made from?”

“Yeah, keratin, like your hair and fingernails. All it is.”

“No shit, how come it works? Must be something different about it.”

Dio looked over the bottom of his empty bottle, draining the last cold drop of alcohol before his fresh drink arrived, and rolled his eyes. “It don’t work. It’s all in your mind. You know my thoughts on this.”

“It works fine. I have proof.”

“You have anecdotal evidence. That ain’t proof.”

Colter shifted in his seat, “Shit, what am I gonna use instead.”

“God you’re dumb.”

“Fuck off, Dio. I’m not elite enough for health insurance, I need something blackmarket.”

The waitress set their drinks on the table. Colter took a big swallow, staring down the front of her blouse to the gentle curve of her breasts, but nothing stirred. Dio didn’t understand. Dio was cool and Dio didn’t have any issues, he just functioned as intended. Colter was broken, or complicated. Either way, he didn’t function much at all.

*

Colter sat naked on the edge of his bed, listening to high-heels receding, then the front door slam.

“All in my mind, huh, Dio?” He looked down at his limp dick, listened to the sound of her car start up and drive off, fast, and felt rage curdle in his gut.

“All in my fucking mind, huh, Dio?” He screamed into his empty bedroom, hurling a glass of water against the wall, rage deaf to the shattering. He needed something.

* 

HIPTALK INFLUENCER SELLS HIS OWN KERATIN AS VIRILITY DRUG

“Did you see this?”

“I’m not on that app, what are they talking about? Do you know how long it’s been since I could get it up?”

“See a therapist. Ain’t nothing wrong with you that isn’t in your head.”

“Just tell me what it’s about before I split your fucking lip.”

“Haha, tough guy. All pent up, huh, kitten?” Dio grinned, “Buff stud influencer is selling his own fingernails and hair to replace the now extinct rhino’s horn. Says it’s even better. Guys all over swear by it. Calling this dude The New Rhino.”

“I need it. How do I get it?

“Sent you the link. Hope you don’t get prion disease or something.” Dio took a sip of whisky, “Eh, maybe I do.”

Colter didn’t look up. “Jesus, I’m on my last credit card. Whatever, it’s worth it.”

Dio set his drink down and watched his friend, “While you’re at therapy, you should look into your compulsive spending. I bet there’s a link there somewhere.”

“Lay off the therapy talk, there’s nothing wrong with my head.” Colter looked up, fingers curling around the unused butterknife still resting on the napkin at his seat. Dio raised his eyebrows.

“Yeah, ok, I gotta bounce. Let me know how this New Rhino shit goes,” Dio walked off laughing and waved two fingers at Marie. “Hey, see you tomorrow, Marie.”

She smiled and winked at him, “Later, Dio. Miss you.”

“I know you will,” he grinned as he walked out the door.

Colter watched him leave. If he’d have said any of that to her, she’d have called in the bouncer. What made Dio so cool? They’d been friends for years now, and no matter how much Colter tried to emulate him, he couldn’t figure it out.

His phone pinged, confirming his order. Hope surged and for a second he thought he felt some life in his limp little guy. But no, just his stomach grumbling.

“Another drink?” Marie asked.

Colter looked up from his phone, she wasn’t even looking at him, she was watching the TV in the corner. He cleared his throat.

“No, I’m good. Thanks, ma’am- Marie.” Colter got up and pushed past her, stomping through the bar and punching the swinging door open with a growl as he left.

* 

“Mmm, better than last time,” the woman lying next to Colter snuggled up against him. Her breath smelled like wine and her soft neck of overly sweet perfume.

“Heh, yeah, just in a bad place last time, you know? Had to go talk to my therapist.”

“Oh, babe, I’m sorry. Why didn’t you say something, I would’a said goodbye at least.” He knew the catch in her voice was a lie, but cupped her face and kissed her wet mouth anyway.

“It doesn’t matter anymore, we’re here, we’re together, and that is not going to happen again.”

“Better not,” she teased her hand down under the blanket, “It’s too long of a drive to get here for nothing, even if you did still pay me.”

Colter held his breath as her hand slid down to his shaft, had he taken enough? Was it too soon still? He felt himself respond and let out a groan.

The New Rhino was definitely legit.

* 

NEW RHINOS FLOOD THE MARKET, CONSUMERS UNCERTAIN ABOUT EFFICACY AMID CLAIMS OF AI GENERATED PROFILE PHOTOS.

“They’re posers, is what they are. And you can’t even trust what you’re getting. Now my guy is charging three times as much because he’s the OG.”

“Not to beat a dead horse, but-“

“Shut up. Shut up. Shut the fuck up.” Colter stared at Dio. The other man met his gaze, smiling easy.

“You just need confidence. You can’t keep doing this to yourself. There’s nothing wrong with you except you’re a damn coward who needs a crutch. Get therapy.”

“If you’re so smart, kindly explain how a non-elite like me would get access to a therapist.” Colter was digging into the tabletop with a fork tine, not looking at Dio as he spoke.

“There’s blackmarket therapists just like there’s blackmarket everything else. As if you didn’t know. Probably not near as expensive as that disgusting human fingernail powder you are actually shoveling into your body.”

“It’s in a pill, fuck.” Colter looked up, pointing the fork at Dio. “And explain to me all the people getting it from the new posers who still can’t get it up. If it’s all in their heads, they should be able to get it up no matter what they take?”

“I’ll explain, it. It’s fear. They read these headlines, they think they might be getting ripped off so their insecure big head, pulls the off switch on their little head. What you don’t see, are the people the scam stuff works for. You know why?”

“Tell me why, Big Brain.”

“Because in that moment, when they take it and their dick springs to life and they read these headlines, they realize what you, my friend, need to realize. It’s all in their heads, and they don’t need shit but confidence. So they stay quiet and pretend like they never ordered this stuff and were fully functional the whole damn time. Boom. Explained.”

“As if it even fucking matters. Can’t afford any of it anymore anyway.” Colter ran both hands through his hair. “Dio, I gotta figure something out. There must be something else I can get. I’m going fucking crazy. Like I get these urges but then I can’t do anything about it. And it just keeps building and building. I’m gonna lose it I am.”

Dio frowned.

Marie stopped by the table. “Hey Dio, I’m off early tonight. It’s been awhile.”

Dio turned and took her hands in his. “You know what, beautiful baby, you’re right. It’s been far too long.” He lifted and kissed the top of her right hand. “Let’s hook up tonight.”

She ran her free hand through his hair. “Mmm, I can’t wait.”

Colter could hear the subtle gravel in her voice.

He cleared his throat. “Hey, Marie, how’s it going?”

She looked back up at the crowded bar. “You need a refill?” Her tone suddenly polite, professional.

Colter scoffed, “Yeah, maybe the fucking bottle.”

“Mmmhhm, sure ok. Be right back with that.”

When Colter looked up, Dio was grinning at him, “Blackmarket therapy, man. That is what you need.”

“Fuck off.” Colter stabbed the fork into the table.

“Gladly. Got to go grab some flowers now anyway. Girl loves daisies.” Dio got up and left, blowing a kiss to Marie as he passed her. She blushed and giggled and went all stupid. Colter felt one of those urges surge up and press against his chest.

“Fucking dammit,” he stabbed the table again and growled. He paid his tab at the bar and left without a word to Marie.

* 

Dio was humming as he stepped into his apartment. He set a bunch of white daisies down on the kitchen counter and stopped.

“Colter, buddy, what are you doing here?”

“You’re so cool, Dio.” Colter stood in the living room, leaning on the doorway, half hidden by the wall.

“Ok. Thanks. But I’ve got Marie coming over in a couple of hours. I gotta shower and maybe make some dinner. So if we could discuss this later-“ Dio finally saw the black duffle bag sitting on the floor behind Colter. “What’s that?”

“My kit. Never used it before, not sure it has everything I need, but you can help me find out.”

“Your kit. Ok, for what?”

Colter smiled, “Come here, I’ll show you.”

“You’re acting real weird, buddy. You finally catch that prion disease I’ve been warning you about?”

“I don’t think so. Come look, and then I’ll leave. Want to run a new business idea I got by you.”

“Colter Reed coming up with a side gig? Now I know you’re fucked up.” Dio shook his head and walked to where Colter stood, still half concealed by the doorway. Colter brought his hand out from behind his back and pressed a gun to Dio’s chest, firing once.

“It’s just a sedative dart. You were right, you can get anything on the blackmarket.” He waved the gun in Dio’s face as the man stumbled around, clutching at his chest with numb fingers. “Now, it’s not supposed to fully knock you out, just kind of paralyze you. Come here.” Colter grabbed him by the shoulders and helped him to the ground in front of the sofa.

“Now that I’m thinking about it, a tarp might have been a good idea. Then again, I ain’t dumping you so who cares? See, I got a little tired of for one, you telling me to go to therapy all the time, and two, you being so fucking cool. So I thought to myself, how do I kill both birds with one stone? And I did a little research.”

Colter unzipped his kit bag and brought out a large knife and a pair of tongs. Dio, mumbled through the drugs, his body trembling as he fought against the poison.

“You see, there is a long history of people eating other people to cure them of stuff. Like up until the 1800s. The 1800s, Dio! That’s not even that long ago. They still eat human placenta in China, too. It’s not that weird and you should have been a little more supportive of me. But anyway, I thought really hard about it and decided that since I wanted to be more like you, good with the ladies, laid back, more confident, the best thing to do was to eat you. Online it says they used to cut up bros that got hanged on the gallows because not only were they raging, virile, and violent, they were only recently dead. The longer you’re dead, the less potent you are. But I know a guy in my apartment complex who sells all kinds of shit so I decided to get the dart gun and harvest you while you’re still alive. I don’t want to lose any of your vitality.”

Tears ran down Dio’s cheeks and long strings of saliva slid from the corners of his mouth to the beige carpeting.

“Just relax, you’ll probably die of shock before I carve you up much. But I’m starting with your tongue, I think that’s where the majority of your cool lies, in your slick, silver tongue. Always got something clever to say.” He turned and dug in his bag again. “But I have a list of the best order to harvest stuff so that it’s not likely to kill you too quickly. Sorry, buddy, but if I want to be more like you, I need to eat you. It’s just a part of medical history that’s suppressed or something. You know they’re alway suppressing important info.”

A sob escaped Dio’s throat.

Colter pried Dio’s mouth open and pulled his tongue out with the tongs. Dio choked and gurgled on blood as Colter sawed through the thick muscle. He went for the genitals next, carefully collecting blood in a jar as he cut.

As he dropped the severed cock and balls in a plastic bag, Colter glanced up at Dio. He was pale, his eyes staring blankly at the ceiling.

“Hey, hey buddy, you still in there?” He poked his friend’s chest.

Dio groaned.

“Gonna get harder from here on. I need bones and your heart. I’ve been thinking about taking your whole ass head, too. Not sure how much effort cutting a head off someone takes. If it’s too much-.”

Dio let out a ragged, choked scream.

“I should get on with it.” Colter laid out Dio’s right arm and pulled a machete out of his bag. He took a deep breath to center himself, then chopped Dio’s hand off. He looked down, Dio was silent.

“Aw, well, safe travels or whatever they say.”

He cut off and bagged Dio’s other hand and, in the end, did take his head.

He bottled and bagged everything, nibbling on the raw bits and thinking about Marie. By the time she knocked he was sticky with blood and his dick was so hard it hurt. He answered the door naked.

“Hey, Marie, Dio’s in the other room.”

“Colter?” Marie froze in the doorway, confused.

“Yeah, come on in,” he winked at her. Dio always winked at her.

“Oh no. No. That’s a lot of blood on you and you’re naked.”

Colter’s body responded to her voice, to her revulsion, and shook with the orgasm. He grinned and moaned as cum shot out toward the woman in the doorway.

“Oh my god!” Marie screamed and turned to run. Colter reached out, body still spasming and grabbed her hair, yanking her back inside. He threw her to the floor, breathing heavily in her face.

“Damn that was real good. Hasn’t been that good in awhile.” He sniffed her neck, “You want to eat some of Dio, too? To remember him by and maybe feel as good as me?”

Marie screamed and slapped him, struggling to get up. Colter reached up and grabbed a knife off the counter, stabbing her until she was quiet

“Can’t harvest anything from you,” he said, fixing her hair so it flowed nicely on the linoleum. He stood and cleaned up his mess, collected his things, showering last and putting on some of Dio’s clean clothes.

*

OUTRAGE MOUNTS AS POLICE REFUSE TO INVESTIGATE MURDER OF NON-ELITE COUPLE IN THE CITY’S SOUTH BLOCK. INTERNET SLEUTHS BELIEVE PURPORTED BODY PARTS FOR SALE ON POPULAR BLACKMARKET SITE ARE CONNECTED TO THE MURDER, BUT AUTHORITIES HAVE BEEN EITHER UNABLE, OR UNWILLING, TO TRACK THE SELLER. SELLER IS GOING BY THE NAME “ULTIMATE RHINO,” BUYER BEWARE.