The Flower Girl

An Epipremnum aureum story

⚠️Heads up! I don’t usually do trigger warnings, but this month’s Witch Lab story contains discussion of attempted suicide. If this isn’t a topic you’re comfortable with, take care and check out a story from our back catalogue❤️‍🩹

Photo by Andi Rieger on Unsplash

As spring is still in full gear and I’m still cataloguing the unprecedented offspring spawned by the monsters trapped on the mountain, I have notes on a few of these horrific new arrivals:

1- A grolerbear- This must have happened through some kind of wormhole. A grizzly and a polar bear mated, which admittedly is not horrific (nor are grizzlies and polar bears monsters), it’s just in the upper stratosphere of weird. The result has too much skin, she’s shar pei level wrinkly. I guess it’s cute? I don’t know, but I’m still observing her. Fortunately her mother is the grizzly and they’re still together.

2- Bellotar- Did not see this one coming. Years ago I captured the serial killer Belle Gunness and turned her into a human sized, but completely harmless, teddy bear. I did not give this teddy bear a reproductive system, yet somehow she mated with the minotaur (not the OG Minotaur, but a distant relative… it’s a long story) and now there is a hoofed teddy bear with bull horns toddling around the mountain. Not with Bell, thankfully, but with its father, which increases its chances of survival from 0% to approximately 15%.

3- Not sure what to call this one and its parentage is unknown, but it is something like a land lamprey with five-fingered hands on its forelimbs and no hind limbs. It speaks as well. Although I’m not certain how as its suction-cup mouth is permanently open, showing off its many concentric and imbricated rows of teeth. The sound seems to come from deep within its stomach, maybe it has a parasite? It’s smallish now, only about three feet in length, but who knows where its maximum growth will top out. Or what lives in its belly.

There are more, so many more. I won’t list them all. Needless to say the boys and I are exhausted. Which is why on this particular day, I almost sent the cats out to scare the client climbing up the hill back down again. But as the afternoon sun cast her shadow against the hill I noticed she was covered in some kind of spiky growths. The scent wafting off of her body and up the hill was divine, I couldn’t place it, but it was definitely floral.